ENGLISH JOKES

[h_freshteh]

when you see man getting off the car hurriedly and opens the door of a car for his wife
you can be sure that he has jast bought his car or he has jast got married.

[LYLAX]

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.


*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.


***********************
one day,John looks up at the sky and says:

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

God replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: God, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...

__________________

[Yazz]

[LEFT]Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.


*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.

two big thumbs up man, great, really great.
you make me laugh to much

you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha

[LYLAX]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself

with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's

not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin

Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[LYLAX]

Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!




Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer : Princess

Diana's death.




Question : How come?




Answer :


An English princess with


an Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French


tunnel, driving a


German car


with a Dutch engine,


driven by a Belgian


who was drunk


on Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by


An Iranian,


using Bill Gates's technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


chips, and a


Korean monitor,


assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


transported by Indian


lorry-drivers,


hijacked by Indonesians,


unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,


and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



That, my friends, is Globalization

[LYLAX]

two big thumbs up man, great, really great.
you make me laugh to much

you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha

YEP
thank you dear yazz

[LYLAX]

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

[LYLAX]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.

__________________

[LYLAX]

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.

[LYLAX]

frog: what does my future hold?
psychic: you'll meet a girl who would want to know everything about you.
frog: that's great! will I meet her in a party?
psychic: no...




in biology class.