ENGLISH JOKES

[LYLAX]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

[Kite102]

What's the friendliest school?
Hi -school.

Bad joke..sorry

[zerosector]

Three people were captured in a prison. Suddenly, a fairy appeared and told everyone, that they have a wish.
The first one wished that he wants to get home - and that happened to him.
The second one wished the same - and it happened to him, too.
The third one looked around a few minutes, then said sadly: "I am so lonely. I wish, my fellows were here again!"

[mir@]

Too funny. Worth Reading

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said! So, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
Not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
An accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is ! Gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
Exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
Don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother! Taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
That way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[mir@]

EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR H O M E W O R K

I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload

I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked
.

I put it in a safe, but lost the combination
.

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
.

I left it in my shirt and my mother put the shirt for washing
.

My little sister ate it
.

A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again

I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only just let me go, so I didn't have time to do it
.

The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box
.

Another pupil fell in a lake, and I jumped in to rescue him but unfortunately my homework drown
.

I used it to fill a hole in my shoe, you wouldn't want it now
.

My father had a nervous breakdown and he cut it up to make paper dolls
.

I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

[love-to-learn]

Amir, I couldn't stop laughing when I was reading some parts of your post, it reminded me of the excuses that some students already make for not doing their homeworks l

[Bret]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat.

[ALt3rnA]

Some years ago I decided to buy a WDC 730MB hard drive. So I went to a central store of our city, Athens, and bought it. Less than a year later the drive slowed down and finally failed to complete booting (this coincided with my attempts to change my controller to a VLB one, so at first I thought I did something wrong). Those days backup machines were still expensive and floppies were rather boring to use regularly, so my last backup was over two months old.
So there I am in the central store's service, trying to explain that I wanted my data saved. It seemed to me that the disk surfaces didn't have problem, and, since the data hadn't been erased, it must have been the electronics that prevented the communication, something quite possible, especially if the strange initialization sound is taken into account.

• Me: "Can you see if it works on your machine?"
• Tech Support: "It doesn't boot. Format it?"
• Me: "NOOOO! I want to keep the data!"
• Tech Support: "We don't make backups here. I'll just write on it that the data should be saved, but who knows what they'll do."
• Me: "Isn't there a safer way?"
• Tech Support: "You could take it to the lab yourself." (He meant the import store.)
• Me: "Where is that?"
• Tech Support: (somewhere an hour away)

At the "lab" they told me they would send the drive to Thessaloniki, over five hours away, to see what their co-workers could do. I agreed, and we swapped phone numbers so I could hear some news. After this day, I stopped shaving my face.
After a week I called them to hear what was going on. They had no news, so they gave me the phone number of their co-workers.

• Me: "What's your conclusion on my drive?"
• Tech Support: "It's ok. I just changed the controller."
• Me: (thinking he meant a chip on the drive) "Great! How's my data?"
• Tech Support: "Data? It's empty!"
• Me: "What!?"

He had confused me with another customer. A week later I called again.

• Tech Support: "We can't fix your drive, nor read your data."
• Me: "You mean you don't have the right equipment?"
• Tech Support: "Right."
• Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?"
• Tech Support: "Well, there is a lab at Germany, it costs (an insane amount per megabyte), and it should take more than two months, with unsure results."

Thinking about complexity of the situation, my father and I decided to say goodbye to some files and do the lost work again instead of waiting and paying a lot of money.
We canceled the whole process and asked for a new hard drive. The central store told us we had to wait until they received the new drive. One of the things I worried about was the size of the new drive. WDC didn't ship any more 730MB disks, so I might have to take an 850MB disk -- at my expense, of course. It was annoying to know they wanted more money even though the original price of the smaller drive was greater than the current price of the bigger drive.
One week after the last phone call, I dropped by the central store and asked about my new drive. By that time I already had a beard.

• Tech Support: "Let me check. It's in the 'lab'."
• Me: "Great! Am I receiving it today?"
• Tech Support: "No, I guess not."
• Me: "Can I go there and get it?"
• Tech Support: "Sure!"
• Me: "Oh! And how big is it?"
• Tech Support: "Uh, it's a 730MB."

At least I wouldn't have to pay extra money. When I arrived at the "lab" I learned, to my frustration that the drive was on the way to the place I just left an hour before.
Back at the central store, I was finally able to hold in my hands my long-awaited new drive. Then I noticed a scratch on it's surface. Upon closer inspection, it reminded me of a scratch my OLD disk had. NO! IT COULDN'T BE! AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
I started yelling.

• Tech Support: "What's wrong?"
• Me: "That's MY drive!"
• Tech Support: "Of course!"
• Me: "No, I mean my OLD drive!"
• Tech Support: "How can it be your old drive when it's sealed?"
• Me: "You call this sealed?"
• Tech Support: "You didn't open it just now? Does it have anything on you can recognize?"
• Me: "It has this scratch."
• Tech Support: "Any drive can have such a scratch."
• Me: "Just connect it up. It won't work."
• Tech Support: (after trying) "You're right, it doesn't work. Format?"

Although I had already felt like fainting, that last one sentence was too much. I got so angry, I hit my hand to draw an assistant's attention. I called my father. He came. We yelled together. We talked to the manager. After a couple of days a new 850MB hard drive was delivered to us at home.
The story is now over, but I still wonder how the company managed to calculate the difference in price between an accessory in production and another that wasn't. If economy was based on such hypotheses, I would have been rich by now, bought the store, fired the offending technicians (although in the above written conversation they probably seem fine, they were offensively neglecting me), bought WDC, redesigned the drives, etc, etc, etc.

[ALt3rnA]

I'm a Linux user, and I prefer keeping Javascript turned off in my browsers. Up until December 1999 or so, I did not need it for using Hotmail, but then that changed. So I sent them an email to ask why:
Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months).

-F
The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim):
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using.

We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support
...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again:
Thank you very much for this information.

> This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript
> in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot
> browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.

But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please:

Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix).

Thank you.
-F
Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got:
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.

MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly.

Sincerely,

MSN Hotmail Customer Support
Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape!
I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account.

[ALt3rnA]

There's this quite major company called Time Computers over here in England. I bought a system from them, and then five months later I hear a "Pfoo!" noise, and my display went all fuzzy and strange. After some troubleshooting, I opened up the case and discovered that the video card had a little, remarkably Wile E. Coyote-esque soot explosion mark centered around a burnt chip in the middle of it.
Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out:

• Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
• Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded."
• Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop."
• Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked."
• Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
• Me: "..."
• Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
• Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now."
• Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
• Me: "I'm not in Windows."
• Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
• Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
• Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?"
• Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir."

I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop.

• Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?"
• Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'."
• Me: "..."

After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then:

• Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?"
• Me: "No, why?"
• Tech Support: "You should..."
• Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember."
• Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk."
• Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???"
• Tech Support: "Company policy."
• Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!"
• Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir."

After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway.
Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually.