آکوستیک ، فوم شانه تخم مرغی، صداگیر ماینر ، یونولیت
دستگاه جوجه کشی حرفه ای
فروش آنلاین لباس کودک
خرید فالوور ایرانی
خرید فالوور اینستاگرام
خرید ممبر تلگرام
[ + افزودن آگهی متنی جدید ]
Classification: Men, Office
Boss: “Yes? What is it now?”
Office worker: “Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Office worker: “I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore
___________________________________
Classification: Office, Stupidity
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.”
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy
Classification: Repartee, Women and Girls
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per meter,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten meters.”
The clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl grabbed the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled
_____________________________________________
Classification: Repartee, Men
Mark asked his wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded Julie, “is your enormous sense of humor
________________________________________
Classification: Stupidity, Military
Sam was in the Army overseas. His brother Joe wrote him a short note:
Dear Sam,
The cat died.
Joe
Sam wrote back:
Dear Joe,
You know I loved that old cat. Why didn’t you break the news gently? You could have written, “The cat was on the roof.” Then later you could have written, “The cat fell off the roof and passed away.”
Sam
The next week Sam got a letter from Joe:
Dear Sam,
Mother was on the roof.
Joe
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Two factory workers are talking.
The first man says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The first man says, "Just wait and see." He then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The firstman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow him and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
The First 3 Years of Marriage
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An
Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The
Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your
back
_______________________________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a
vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always
Keep a SPARE TYRE
_______________________________________
ACHER:
what is the
different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
_____________________________
Look a thief has entered
our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I
call now,
Police or Ambulance
_______________________________
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
______________________
Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina.
______________________________
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back
____________________________
Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
_________________________________
Hi i am marrying next week ( Funny sms )
Hi i am marrying next week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don’t bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me
Marriage is like a public toilet
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
&
Those inside are desperate to come
____________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE
__________________________
TEACHER:
what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
____________________________
Look a thief has entered our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I call now,
Police or Ambulance
B11. Big Joe
have to/don't have to for obligation
One day, on a London bus, the driver was taking the fares from new passengers when an enormous man with huge muscles got onto the bus. The driver asked for the money for the ticket, but the man just shook his head and said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay!’
The bus driver wasn’t a strong man and he didn’t want to argue with this giant, so the man got on the bus without paying.
The next day at the same bus stop, the enormous man was there again, and like the day before, when it was his turn to pay for his ticket, he just said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
After a few weeks of this, the bus driver was really starting to get angry, so he decided to join a gym. He worked out every day for three months, until his muscles were bulging and he could pick up tables with one arm.
One Monday, the bus driver decided that today was the day. As usual, the enormous man got on the bus as usual and announced,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
This time, the bus driver was brave enough to stand up and tell the man,
‘Why not? Of course you have to pay. Everyone has to pay!’
The man looked at him in surprised silence for a few seconds and then slowly answered,
‘Because Big Joe has a bus pass.’
Grammar: have to/don't have to
Use have to + infinitive to talk about things which are important to do, or things which are necessary to do. We often use this to talk about rules and regulations.
Everyone has to pay for a bus ticket.
Use don't / doesn't have to + infinitive to talk about things where there are no rules. You can do these things if you want to, but there is no obligation.
You don't have to pay to come in because it's free
دوستان خوبی که ابن مجموئه رو دنبال میکنن ( الان - یا هروقت دیگه ای در آینده)
قسمتهای قبلش در صفحات قبل هست با کمی جستجو پیداشون میکنن - این مجموعه گرامر رو با زبون خیلی ساده و به صورت جک از پایه تا سطح پیشرفته درس داده که الان تو بخش متوسطش هستیم و اگه عمری باشه تا سطح پیشرفتش رو اینجا مینویسم.
.
Last edited by sajjad1973; 29-10-2012 at 07:50.
B12. Lifestyle choices
should / shouldn’t
Natasha Marshal went to her doctor for some advice.
‘Doctor, I’ve read that by making the right health choices for diet and life style, people can live for longer. What should I do to live long and healthily? Can you give me some suggestions?’
‘Certainly, Miss Marshal!’ replied the doctor.‘Well firstly, you should only eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You shouldn’t eat any meat, salt, cheese or butter. You shouldn’t drink any alcohol and you shouldn’t smoke. You should drink lots of natural mineral water, but not too cold.‘
‘OK,’ said Natasha, writing all this down in her notebook.‘And should I change anything else about my lifestyle?’
‘You shouldn’t go out to bars or big cities,’ the doctor told her, ‘because the crowds and the noise can be stressful. You should get up very early in the morning and go running and you shouldn’t stay up late at night. You shouldn’t watch television or use the internet. It’s not good for you to sit still for long and look at a screen.’
‘And by following this health plan I’ll live to be a hundred?’ asked Natasha.
‘Well, I don’t know, ‘ answered the doctor. ‘but it will certainly feel like it.’
Grammar: should / shouldn’t for advice
To say what you think is a good idea use should. To say what you think is a bad ideause shouldn’t + infinitive (without to).
What should I do to get fitter?
You should take more exercise.
You shouldn’t smoke.
With should (as with all modal verbs) don’t use auxiliary verbs in question forms and don’t add ‘s’with the 3rd person singular form.
INCORRECT:Do I should eat more fish? CORRECT: Should I eat more fish? INCORRECT: He shoulds go now. CORRECT: He should go now
.
B13. The old lady and her dog
past simple irregular verbs
Mrs Gibson was 82 years old. Her son owned an airline company. One day, she went to the airport to take a plane from Australia to the USA. With her she had a flight bag and a pet basket with her little pet dog called 'Spotty' inside. The flight that day was very crowded. Mrs Gibson sat down on a window seat and put her dog basket down on the seat next to her.
A flight attendant said to her, 'I'm very sorry, madam, but this flight is fully booked. I'm afraid I have to take your dog and put it at the back of the plane for the journey.'
The old lady didn't argue and gave the basket to the flight attendant.
After an hour in the air, the flight attendant checked on the little dog. She was horrified to see that the dog was dead at the bottom of the basket. She told the pilot and the pilot told the airport in New York. The company director was furious, because Mrs Gibson was the airline owner's mother. In the end, they decided to buy a different dog to replace the dead one. The flight attendant took a photo of the dog with her phone and sent it to New York to show them what it looked like. When the plane landed, Mrs Gibson got off the plane and the flight attendant brought her the basket with a new dog in it.
Mrs Gibson looked very quickly into the basket and immediately said, 'That's not my dog. Where's my dog? What did you do with little Spotty?'
The flight attendant told Mrs Gibson, 'Yes, of course it's your dog. It has the same spots, the same size - it's the same dog.'
'No,' said Mrs Gibson, ' I know it isn't.'
'But how do you know? You didn't look at it for very long.'
'I know,' said Mrs Gibson, ' Because my dog was dead when I put him in the basket.'
Grammar: irregular past simple verb forms
Many verbs in English have irregular past simple forms and do not end in -ed. For example:
think - thought: When I was a child I thought the moon was bigger than the sun.
leave - left: You leftyour jacket at my house yesterday.
meet - met: My husband and I met when we were at college.
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